GUIDE TO BECOMING A SUCCESSFUL PARENT
Raising
kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world — and the one
for which you might feel the least prepared.
Here are nine child-rearing tips
that can help you feel more fulfilled as a parent.
1. Boosting Your Child's Self-Esteem
Kids
start developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through
their parents' eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every
expression are absorbed by your kids. Your words and actions as a parent affect
their developing self-esteem more
than anything else.
Praising accomplishments, however
small, will make them feel proud; letting kids do things independently will
make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or
comparing a child unfavorably with another will make kids feel worthless.
Avoid making loaded statements or
using words as weapons. Comments like "What a stupid thing to do!" or
"You act more like a baby than your little brother!" cause damage
just as physical blows do.
Choose your words carefully and
be compassionate. Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and that you
still love them, even when you don't love their behavior.
2. Catch Kids Being Good
Have you ever stopped to think
about how many times you react negatively to your kids in a given day? You may
find yourself criticizing far more often than complimenting. How would you feel
about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even if it was
well intentioned?
The more effective approach is to
catch kids doing something right: "You made your bed without being asked —
that's terrific!" or "I was watching you play with your sister and
you were very patient." These statements will do more to encourage good
behavior over the long run than repeated scolding.
Make a point of finding something
to praise every day. Be generous with rewards — your love, hugs, and
compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find
you are "growing" more of the behavior you would like to see.
3. Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your
Discipline
Discipline is necessary in every
household. The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors
and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but
they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.
Establishing
house rules helps kids understand your expectations and develop self-control.
Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting,
name-calling, or hurtful teasing allowed.
You might want to have a system
in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out"
or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow
through with the consequences. You can't discipline kids for talking back one
day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.
4. Make Time for Your Kids
It's often difficult for parents
and kids to get together for a family meal, let alone spend quality time
together. But there is probably nothing kids would like more. Get up 10 minutes
earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the
dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Kids who aren't getting the
attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because
they're sure to be noticed that way.
Many parents find it rewarding to
schedule together time with their kids. Create a "special night" each
week to be together and let your kids help decide how to spend the time. Look
for other ways to connect — put a note or something special in your kid's
lunchbox.
Adolescents seem to need less
undivided attention from their parents than younger kids. Because there are
fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teens to get together, parents
should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to
talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other
events with your teen communicates caring and lets you get to know more about
your child and his or her friends in important ways.
Don't feel guilty if you're a
working parent. It is the many little things you do — making popcorn, playing
cards, window shopping — that kids will remember.
5. Be a Good Role Model
Young kids learn a lot about how
to act by watching their parents. The younger they are, the more cues they take
from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think
about this: Is that how you want your child to behave when angry? Be aware that
you're constantly being watched by your kids. Studies have shown that children
who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home.
Model the traits you wish to see
in your kids: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit
unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward.
Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your kids the way you
expect other people to treat you.
6. Make Communication a Priority
You can't expect kids to do
everything simply because you, as a parent, "say so." They want and
deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we don't take time to explain,
kids will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they have
any basis. Parents who reason with their kids allow them to understand and
learn in a nonjudgmental way.
Make your expectations clear. If
there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your child
to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make
suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your child's suggestions as well.
Negotiate. Kids who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them
out.
7. Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust Your
Parenting Style
If
you often feel "let down" by your child's behavior, perhaps you have
unrealistic expectations. Parents who think in "shoulds" (for
example, "My kid should be potty-trained by now") might
find it helpful to read up on the matter or to talk to other parents or child
development specialists.
Kids' environments have an effect
on their behavior, so you might be able to change that behavior by changing the
environment. If you find yourself constantly saying "no" to your
2-year-old, look for ways to alter your surroundings so that fewer things are
off-limits. This will cause less frustration for both of you.
As your child changes, you'll
gradually have to change your parenting style. Chances are, what works with
your child now won't work as well in a year or two.
Teens tend to look less to their
parents and more to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance,
encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more
independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!
8. Show That Your Love Is Unconditional
As a parent, you're responsible
for correcting and guiding your kids. But how you express your corrective
guidance makes all the difference in how a child receives it.
When you have to confront your
child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which undermine
self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, strive to nurture and
encourage, even when disciplining your kids. Make sure they know that although
you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.
9. Know Your Own Needs and Limitations as a
Parent
Face it — you are an imperfect parent.
You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities
— "I am loving and dedicated." Vow to work on your weaknesses —
"I need to be more consistent with discipline." Try to have realistic
expectations for yourself, your spouse, and your kids. You don't have to have
all the answers — be forgiving of yourself.
And try to make parenting a
manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than
trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. Take
time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy as a person (or
as a couple).
Focusing on your needs does not
make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is
another important value to model for your children.
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