PARENTING
The Long-Lasting Effects of Yelling at Your Kids
If you’re a parent, you know that sometimes emotions get the
best of you. Somehow children can really push those buttons you didn’t know you
had. And before you know it, you holler from the top of your lungs.
You’re not alone in doing that, and your feelings of parental
frustration are normal. The good news is that you can change the way you talk
to your children, switching from a yelling monologue to a respectful dialogue.
The short answer is because we feel overwhelmed or angry, which
makes us raise our voices. But that rarely solves the situation. It may quiet
the children and make them obedient for a short while, but it won’t make them
correct their behavior or their attitudes.
In short, it teaches them to fear you rather than understand
their consequences of their actions.
Children rely on their parents for learning. If anger and
associated aggression like shouting is part of what a child perceives as
“normal” in their family, their behavior will reflect that.
The
effects of yelling
If you’ve ever been yelled at, you know that a loud voice
does not make the message clearer. Your children are no different. Shouting
will make them tune out and discipline will be harder, since each time you
raise your voice lowers their receptivity.
Recent
Calmness, on the other hand, is reassuring, which makes children
feel loved and accepted in spite of bad behavior.
If yelling at children is not a good thing, yelling that comes
with verbal putdowns and insults can be qualified as emotional abuse. It’s been
shown to have long-term effects, like anxiety, low self-esteem, and increased
aggression.
It also makes children more susceptible to bullying since their
understanding of healthy boundaries and self-respect are skewed.
Alternatives to raising your voice
Children who have a strong emotional connection to their
parents are easier to discipline. When children feel safe and unconditionally
loved, they’ll be more receptive to dialogue and listen before a conflict
escalates into an angry yelling episode.
Here’s how you can practice positive discipline that doesn’t
involve yelling.
1. Give
yourself a timeout
Catch yourself before getting so angry that you lose control and
raise your voice. By stepping away from the conflict zone for a few moments,
you give yourself a chance to reassess and breathe deeply, which will help you
calm down.
It also teaches your children about boundaries and managing
strong emotions in a healthy way.
2. Talk
about emotions
Anger is a normal feeling one can learn from if managed
properly. By acknowledging all emotions, from joy and excitement to sadness,
anger, jealousy, and frustration, you’re teaching your children that they are
all part of our human repertoire.
Talk about how you feel and encourage your children to do the
same. It will help them develop a respectful attitude towards self and others
and form healthy relationships in life.
3.
Address bad behavior calmly, but firmly
Children misbehave occasionally. That’s part of growing up. Talk
to them in a firm way that leaves their dignity intact but makes it clear that
certain behaviors are not tolerated.
Get down to their eye level rather than speaking to them from
high up or from far away. At the same time, remember to acknowledge respectful
behavior and problem solving among themselves.
4. Use
consequences, but leave out the threats
According to Barbara Coloroso, author of “Kids Are Worth
It!,” using threats and punishment creates more angry feelings, resentment, and
conflict. In the long run, they prevent your child from developing inner
discipline.
Threats and punishment humiliate and shame children, making them
feel insecure. On the other hand, consequences that address a particular
behavior but come with fair warning (like taking a toy away after explaining
that toys are for playing, not for hitting) help children make better choices.
A word on
basic needs
Having basic needs met, like sleep and hunger, keeps children
happy and makes for better behavior overall. Also, establishing routines will
help them be less anxious and reduce the risk of acting up.
What to do if you yell
No matter how good your yelling prevention strategy is,
sometimes you will raise your voice. That’s OK. Own up to it and apologize, and
your children will learn an important lesson: We all make mistakes and we need
to apologize.
If your children yell, remind them of boundaries and how
shouting is not an acceptable way of communication. They need to know you are
ready to listen as long as they show respect.
Model the same by allowing yourself time to cool off your
engines before talking to your children when you are upset or overwhelmed.
You will help them create lifelong habits that make conflict
management easier. That will teach your children to be understanding of
mistakes, theirs and other people’s, and that forgiveness is an important tool
for healthy communication in a family.
If so far you have relied on yelling to discipline your
children, you are probably seeing the effects of it:
- Your children
might rely on yelling to get their messages across to each other.
- They talk back and
even yell at you rather than just talk respectfully.
- Your relationship
with them is unstable and volatile to the point of not being able to
communicate in a healthy way.
- They may pull away
from you and become more influenced by their peers than you.
You can change all that. Start by having a candid talk with your
children about the wrongness of yelling and why manifesting your anger that way
is not healthy.
Make your home a calm environment where people communicate with
respect and acknowledge each other’s feelings without blaming, shaming, or
judging. An outspoken commitment keeps the dialogue open and keeps everyone in
the family accountable.
If you make mistakes, don’t give up. It’s not an easy road but
it’s worth every effort.
Is your anger too deep-seated?
If your anger is often spilling onto your children and you
have trouble controlling your temper on a regular basis, recognizing that you
have a problem is the first step toward learning to manage it.
This will help you feel better about yourself and communicate in
a calm and loving way with your children.
According to the American Association for Marriage and
Family Therapy, some of the signs that point to an anger problems include:
- getting
inappropriately angry over seemingly minor issues
- experiencing
stress-related symptoms like high blood pressure, stomach pain, or anxiety
- feeling guilty and
sad after an anger episode, yet seeing the pattern repeat often
- engaging in
conflicts with other people instead of having respectful dialogues
A therapist can help you develop ways to keep calm and prevent
outbursts and also help you mend the damaging effects of anger on your
relationship with your loved ones
5 Serious
Long-Term Effects of Yelling At Your Kids
1. Yelling makes their behavior
problems get worse
You might think that yelling at your kids can solve a problem
in the moment or can prevent them from behaving badly in the future. But
research shows that it could actually be creating more issues in the long run.
Yelling can actually make your child’s behavior even worse. Which means you
have to yell more to try to correct it. And the cycle continues.
A
And if you think it matters which parent is doing the
disciplining, it doesn’t. Another study found that there is no difference if
harsh discipline comes from the father or the mother. The outcome is the same:
behavioral problems get worse.
2. Yelling changes the way their
brain develops
Yelling and other harsh parenting techniques can quite
literally change the way your child’s brain develops. That’s because humans
process negative information and events more quickly and thoroughly than good
ones.
One
3.
Yelling can lead to depression
In addition to children feeling hurt, scared, or sad when
their parents yell at them, verbal abuse has the ability to cause deeper
psychological issues that carry into adulthood.
In the study that tracked increasing behavioral problems by
13-year-olds who were yelled at, researchers also found an uptick in depressive
symptoms. Many other studies also
4. Yelling has
effects on physical health
The experiences we have growing up shape us in many ways,
some of which we may not even realize. Stress in childhood from a verbally
abusive parent can increase a child’s risk for certain health problems as an
adult.
5. Yelling can
cause chronic pain
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It’s never too late to make a change in your parenting behavior
or learn some new techniques. If you notice yourself yelling a lot or losing
your temper, ask for help. A therapist or even another parent can help you sort
through some of those feelings and develop a plan to deal with them in a
healthier way.
Reach out to:
James Ploti +254708459336
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